


Beautiful Feeling

by jeezara



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Cheating, Day6 lyrics, F/M, Fluff, Gen, Insecurities, M/M, Minor Character Death, Misunderstandings, Pining, based off Day6's songs, bestfriends
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-06-03
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:28:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24486670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeezara/pseuds/jeezara
Summary: Everyone's cup of tea : Seventeen one-shot imagines with a certain Day6 song as a theme :)This is in free-form, and might contain m/m pairings and original characters. This compilation will also contain a lot of fluff and angst so, beware :)Title is "Beautiful Feeling" solely for the reason that it's my favorite Day6 song at the moment LOL. Enjoy reading ♡
Relationships: Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups/Yoon Jeonghan, Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Yoon Jeonghan, Jeon Wonwoo/Kim Mingyu, Jeon Wonwoo/Wen Jun Hui | Jun, Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Lee Jihoon | Woozi, SEVENTEEN Ensemble/Original Character(s), SEVENTEEN Ensemble/SEVENTEEN Ensemble
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	1. How to Love ; wonhui

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wonwoo's still hung up on his ex and is denser than a rock, but Junhui just wants to show him how to love. The right love, this time.

_"How great is this thing called love, even if it's painful and you get hurt, you still make it a point to search for it again."_

_\- how to love, Day6_

____

The sunny weather makes Wonwoo feel like he's about to die.

It's not like he particularly hates the warm breeze of the summer morning, he just doesn't feel like being all 'warm and fun' especially when he's having the worst time of his life. He stood up, went to the kitchen, and almost cursed when he found out he had little to no food left in store.

 _'Fuck this.'_ Wonwoo thought to himself, because no matter how much he denies it, his life turned around because of just some man. He can't deny how much impact his boyfriend - no, scratch that, ex-boyfriend had in his life. He can't deny that the reason why he doesn't have any food is because his ex was the one buying all of those for him. He can't deny that the reason why he dislikes summer is because it's the season when he broke up with him. He can't deny that he's not used to taking care of himself because he was always well taken care of.

Was. Because the person who used to take care of him already left.

Wonwoo grabbed his beanie and went out of his flat. He'll just have breakfast in a cafe nearby.

Besides the fact that he's not that talented in cooking, his ex used to cook for him all the time ---

 _'Stop thinking about him.'_ Wonwoo thought. He's tired of always relating every single thing he does to him, when all he wants is to forget and get over it.

But he just can't, and it frustrates him. It frustrates him that everything in his life reminded him of _Mingyu_. It frustrates him that his ex played a big part in his life for a long time. It frustrates him that he's still hung up on his last love.

And it frustrates him even more that he's still craving for the butterflies he had in his stomach whenever Mingyu's beside him. It frustrates him _so much_ that he's still craving for that kind of love.

"Wonwoo?"

The familiar voice snapped him out of his thoughts about Mingyu. 

He looked up. The guy at the counter is smiling at him.

"What are you doing here?"

It's Junhui. His seatmate from Physics class, and he's working at the cafe Wonwoo went to.

Wonwoo smiled, "I was just about to eat breakfast."

Junhui looked surprised, "I didn't know you preferred to eat outside for breakfast?"

And then, the memory washed over him.

Junhui was just new in the area, and he encountered Wonwoo in the university while he's having a tantrum in front of a vending machine. Wonwoo's supposed to get colas for both him and Mingyu but the vending machine just wasn't working.

_"Stupid. vending. machine." Wonwoo said as he hit the vending machine with his hands. "I fucking lost cents, ugh."_

Just great.

_"Colas? Really? This early?"_

_Wonwoo turned his head to the direction of the voice, and there he saw the new kid in his Physics class, his seatmate, apparently. He fought the urge to roll his eyes, they barely talked and now this man is judging his choice of food? Not like it's really his choice, it's Mingyu's._

_But still. . ._

_"Well, supposed to. But the vending machine is a dick." He said bitterly and stood up, "If you're planning on getting snacks, don't bother. It's shitty, the shittiest vending machine I've ever laid my eyes on."_

_The new kid chuckled, and Wonwoo can't help but think of how his eyes flashed amusement, and how his teeth was whiter than most of the people he know._

_God, it's creepy as hell. He should just probably go back._

_But as Wonwoo prepared to walk away, the boy held his wrist, "No wait, I think I know how to solve this."_

_And he just punched the vending machine on the side. It worked. The colas rolled down._

_Wonwoo, while suspicious of the guy, still said "I swear, I've been punching it pretty harder than you. But after hitting it once, you got it to work?"_

_Again, the boy laughed his head off and Wonwoo once again felt the churning in his stomach because of the amusement in the boy's eyes._

_"I've been stealing from vending machines since forever, you just gotta know where to actually hit it."_

_Wonwoo was speechless for a moment, until the boy started laughing again._

_"I'm just kidding about the stealing part, god!"_

_Wonwoo just narrowed his eyes and went to get the cola. "Thanks? I guess?"_

_He was about to walk away again when the boy suddenly said, "Are you really sure about that colas? It's still really early to drink that, you know. Have you had breakfast?"_

_Wonwoo just smiled a little, "No, I haven't had breakfast yet, but yeah. He likes colas so. ."_

_By he, meaning Mingyu, his boyfriend. He's a sucker for colas that's why Wonwoo just tries to love whatever it is that he loves. And he's been pretty bummed out because of his exams, so this time, Wonwoo's the one making an effort for his boyfriend._

_"Oh. . . You mean you got that for someone else?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"What about you though?"_

_Wonwoo was stunned to hear that. He looked at the stranger with confused eyes while the stranger's eyes twinkled for a bit, or maybe it's just the sun's rays. But the stranger really did seem to know what's going on._

_He never really thought about what he wanted._

_It was always Mingyu who decides --- no, Wonwoo always relies on Mingyu's decision._

_"I can take you out for breakfast if you like."_

_The stranger's eyes now flickered with, Wonwoo wasn't sure, but it looks a lot like hope. Still, he just smiled._

_He still needs to give this to Mingyu._

_"I --- We don't really like eating out for breakfast."_

And he walked away. That time was one of those rare times when Mingyu needed support. It was a hectic week for him, and Wonwoo couldn't be bothered with anything except for making sure Mingyu gets what he wants.

But still, after that, they became civil in Physics class. They help each other out on discussions and even exchanged notes.

Junhui was always the one who will walk out with him after class and Junhui always see Mingyu waiting up for him outside the lecture hall. Junhui will also smile at Mingyu, but the glint in his eyes were different after that day. Wonwoo wasn't sure what changed, but it's different. He just _knows._

Wonwoo just smiled awkwardly, "Change of habit, I guess."

Junhui was still staring at him with an unfathomable expression in his face, and it made him uncomfortable. That's why he proceeded on ordering what he wanted instead of prolonging their rather small talk.

He didn't want to think of Mingyu again, especially when he's talking to Junhui.

He sat down and waited for his order.

He had to admit though, it's refreshing to find a place like this, where nothing can ever remind him of his ex (aside from the person in the counter apparently). Mingyu wasn't fond of cafes. He's more into restaurants with a classy vibe, where those fancy romantic dinners were held in the movies.

Wonwoo never told him, but he actually just wants something comfortable and familiar. He never wanted fancy, he just wanted a comfy place. Like this one. It reminds him of his favorite coffee, and oddly enough, he also smells the scent of books and fresh grass in this cafe. Two of his most favorite scents, and it calmed him.

For Wonwoo, familiarity is comforting.

Enjoying the ambiance for a while, he didn't even notice Junhui coming over with his order until he placed the tray in his table.

"Pancakes with blueberries, and a cup of black coffee for Mr. Jeon."

He thanked Junhui and expected for him to come back to the counter.

He never did.

Instead, he sat down on the chair across Wonwoo, smiling while watching him eat.

"Uh, are you sure you're not supposed to be in the counter?" Wonwoo asked, because he's worried for Junhui. He might get in trouble for slacking off.

"No, the friend I'm covering shifts for came back, I'm totally free."

Wonwoo nodded and just continued eating. There are much more time for conversations later.

But then, he could feel Junhui's eyes on him. And it's not necessarily creeping him out, it's just that he's having trouble eating the way he used to eat when he's alone. His eyes, Junhui's eyes, always made him uncomfortable.

And part of the problem is, Junhui is _still_ smiling.

"Dude cut it out, why are you smiling?" Wonwoo said in a lighter tone, just so he won't offend the other boy.

Junhui laughed. And again, like the many other times, his stomach churned and felt weird. _Why is it always like this whenever he laughs?_

I mean, Junhui's laugh is not that bad. Why does he get weird feelings about it when it's not particularly ugly, or creepy, or cringey? In fact, his laugh is one of the best laughs Wonwoo has ever heard. It's solid, and cheery, and full of genuine joy.

 _His laugh is beautiful._ Wonwoo pushed out the thought.

"I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be creepy, I promise. I'm just. . ." Junhui tried to contain his laughter. Then, he smiled, "I'm glad you're eating well, even after everything. I mean, I know nothing about love, don't have much of an experience, but. . . I'm sure after some time, you'll finally be alright."

Junhui didn't say anything, but Wonwoo knew what he meant.

Junhui's glad that even after Mingyu went back to his ex, he's still alive. That even after Mingyu broke up with him because he fell out of love, somehow, he's still taking care of himself.

Utter bullshit, Wonwoo wanted to say. He's lost. He's so lost without Mingyu ---

"I know what you're thinking." Junhui said. " _Utter bullshit, I'm not well. I'm lost right now and what he's saying is utter bullshit.'_ That's what you're thinking right? I understand, and I just. . . I want to help?"

That made Wonwoo stop eating halfway. The emotions Junhui's causing him to feel is not necessarily foreign to him, Wonwoo surely felt this way before. But that's what he's scared about.

_He's feeling this way again._

"Look, Junhui, I really didn't want to talk about this --- "

"I know. I know, Wonwoo. It's just, you've been like this for weeks after what happened --- closed off, not really talking to anybody. And no, I'm sorry but making small talk is a sorry excuse for 'talking'." Wonwoo sees the hesitation in Junhui's eyes, but he still sighed and said, "I just want you to know that I'm always here if you need me, and that someone cares if you're eating well, that someone cares if you're okay or not. Okay?"

The churning of his stomach again. Wonwoo is starting to feel tense all over his body, and his heart is beating unbelievably fast.

_What's going on? I should stop feeling like this. Junhui is just a concerned friend._

"Uh, thanks, I. . . guess? I appreciate the. . . uh, thought?"

Junhui just smiled and made a gesture that means like he's urging him to eat again. And he did.

And that's when he also thought about something entirely ludicrous about Junhui. Something that he must've brushed off in the past.

He thought about those times when Junhui's eyes wander off to the other direction when he sees Wonwoo run to Mingyu. He thought about the times when Junhui bought him breakfast when he said Mingyu couldn't because he's busy with exams. He thought about the times Wonwoo swears he can see Junhui's eyes full of emotions he cannot decipher whenever he looks at him.

Maybe he was too blind to see, or maybe he saw but closed his eyes, because his heart already belonged to someone else then. But now, especially now, when Wonwoo finally understands the churning in his stomach whenever Junhui smiles, maybe, he thought, he can finally give it a try.

Wonwoo finished his pancake and started drinking his coffee, and he almost spit it out when Junhui asked him, "I know you're still healing, and you are probably still halfway from moving on, but. . . will you let me care, atleast? For now?"

Junhui's voice is full of hope that Wonwoo was almost afraid of shattering it. Of breaking him.

"I know it's hard to forget someone you've been in love with for almost half of your life. But just let me try?"

And that's when Wonwoo realized that he also wants to try, not being taken care of, no. Now, he wants to try taking care of Junhui. Not because he wants to forget about Mingyu right away, but because he feels like he wants to take care of him. He wants to try again.

"Okay." Wonwoo smiled.

Yes, there are still doubts lingering in his mind, but what's more important for him right now is the brightness in Junhui's smile when he said those words to him.

_Maybe summer isn't so bad after all. Maybe this time, he can finally learn how to love right._

_____

Wonwoo didn't know, but ever since the vending machine incident, Junhui kept thinking about him.

It was not love at first sight. Rather, he just knows that the inevitable time will come when he will fall in love with Wonwoo. Not now, but after some time. He just knows.

Junhui never experienced love before, heck, he doesn't even know a thing about it. But he always knew that someone can teach him that. Someone so quietly beautiful, someone whom he will have to save.

That someone came in the form of Jeon Wonwoo, and he's never felt more satisfied with the idea of love in his life.

_____

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> twt - @wonhaost


	2. Like a Flowing Wind ; seokmin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seokmin's arms, Seokmin's smiles, Seokmin's laughs, Seokmin's kisses - they used to feel like home, but what if it doesn't anymore?

_I said ''I miss you''  
I said ''Good night''  
As if I'm feeling just fine_

_____

I smiled in front of the screen the moment he started telling me about his day.

_"You'll never believe it, but PD-nim actually gave out free gift cards! Really, even I can't believe it! I've been wanting to shop with the members, but I'm still so broke. Good thing that PD-nim is really generous hahaha."_

I laughed as he laughed, "You do know that the reason why you're broke is that you can't contain your inner shopaholic right?"

We laughed even harder.

At times like this, I can feel that we're like any other couple. Bickering, just plain teasing each other and making conversations about anything at all. At times like this, I forget about our problems momentarily, and just genuinely enjoy talking to him.

I mean, this is _Lee Seokmin_. He always has a knack for making the atmosphere bright and fun, no matter the situation.

_"I really miss you. . . I've been asking PD-nim for a break, but ----"_

But then, as usual, our conversation was cut off.

I can hear the voices of his bandmates, and the thundering voice of their manager, saying that they need to prepare for another schedule.

_"I--- Okay, wait. I'll be there in a moment!"_

Seokmin is looking at me with a sorry expression, that's why I have no choice but to smile. He's feeling guilty, but he shouldn't be. This is his job.

_"It turns out we have another shoot. . . I'm really really --- "_

"It's okay," I cutted him off, "I understand. You can end our call now and go prepare. I miss you." I smiled brightly, even though I felt sad.

It's my first conversation with him after days.

_"I miss you too. So much. I'm really sorry."_

I smiled even brighter than before, "It's okay, I'm preparing to sleep anyway. Good night! And don't forget to eat well okay? I love you!" I said, my lips almost quivering because I felt like crying and I just miss him so much.

I wouldn't be sleeping at all, I'll just think about him, and him, and just. . . him. I'll just mope around, missing the way he used to hug me, missing his laugh, his voice, him.

He used to sing only for me, but now, I share the beauty of his voice with everyone else. And I feel bad for not wanting to. _Is it really that bad to miss the way things used to be?_

_"I love you too."_

And with that, our brief call ended. It hasn't even been 3o minutes since the start of our call.

I was left crying in my pillow, thinking about the times we had when we were still free to go out, wishing to go back to those times when I can hold his hand without hesitation.

Now, we can't even have a proper talk.

But this is my choice. _I chose this._ And Lee Seokmin is someone I will choose over and over again.

Even though he's now a famous singer.

Even though he's now almost always busy.

Even though we don't really have time to be together anymore.

Lee Seokmin is the man I will always love, even though I know he loves his dream more than he loves me. That he will choose his dream over anything else.

I am proud of him, and I'm really happy that he's happy with what he does. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm hurting. That doesn't change the fact that I'm the one getting the shorter end of the stick. That doesn't change the fact that I miss him so fucking much.

And that doesn't change the fact that I am now left here, in the darkest corner of my room, always wishing for things to be different, always thinking about the what ifs.

____

_Because I really love you  
Maybe that's why it hurts this much  
Even if it's not the best  
Maybe I can still be happy  
That's what I thought_  
_____

I was taking a walk in the park with my best friend, taking a breather. Away from my job, my problems, away from the cruel reality that I just can't seem to accept wholeheartedly.

But then, as we walked, we found you and your team.

Almost immediately, my best friend looked at me with worry.

"I'm okay." I assured her.

There are so many cameras around you, and from the looks of it, you're playing some kind of game for a variety show.

As if in a daze, I found myself coming closer to where you all are. I just really missed seeing you in person. At that moment, I wanted to scream for your name, I wanted to shout how much I love you, I wanted for the whole world to know that _you're mine._

But then, our eyes met.

I will never forget the look on your face when I smiled brightly at you with teary-eyes because at last, we finally saw each other without the screen holding us back. I thought for sure, that you were as happy as I am, and that you will excuse yourself to run to where I am and hug me, and kiss me senseless.

And yes, I did see the joy in your eyes, the utmost longing and love, before it was replaced by terror and fear. You quickly looked away, focusing on what the other members are saying instead of looking back again.

I felt my heart constrict.

"We can get out of here if you want." My best friend said, holding my wrist like I'll pass out any minute.

Maybe I will, because my body tensed up. My hands can't stop shaking. And my heart feels like it's breaking into pieces.

I know why he looked away, I know why he's scared, I know why he didn't come to me. I _understand_. I completely understand that he's scared of anyone knowing, that it's not good for them if the headlines tomorrow will be all about him, hugging some random girl in the park. I know that he's just trying to protect not only his team, but me as well.

I _know_ all of this, so why am I so fucking hurt? Why do I feel like he just broke my heart?

"You deserve so much more." My best friend said while hugging me. I was just standing there, not even holding him like how he was holding me, Seokmin's terrified face still stuck in my mind.

_So this is how much it hurts._

I didn't know what to respond to that, after all, Seokmin is the best boyfriend I could ever ask for. He was caring, and faithful, and so loving, that every time he does something for me, I can feel myself falling in love all over again. The only flaw he has is that he's an idol singer, and it's not even a flaw, but his choice. _His dream._

"I'm. . . I'm supposed to support him." I said, tears flowing, "I should be happy for him, you know. I shouldn't be so selfish, I shouldn't feel this way. It's just his job, it's not his fault he's chasing his dream."

My best friend just looked at me with pity, "Yes, it's not his fault, but always remember that it's also not your obligation to continue this if you'll just get hurt and stressed about it every single day. It's taking a toll on you."

The moments when I had breakdowns suddenly flashed in my mind. Those moments when I just get so emotional, and weird, and sensitive while seeing him interact with his other fans. Those moments when I'll cry myself to sleep if he denies about being in a relationship.

I am _aware_. I completely know that he loves only me. But sometimes, it just gets tiring to be denied all the time.

"I love him." My lips are quivering, and I'm not even sure if it's because of the cold or it's because I badly wanted to cry.

"I know, and I also know that he loves you. But love is not always enough. Are you even sure this is worth it?"

I didn't answer, because as much as I love Seokmin, I'm not sure what the answer is.

My best friend guided me out, and while he was doing so, I'm just looking at Seokmin, hoping to see atleast one glance again, hoping to see even a small smile of assurance.

But he never looked back.

_____

_Instead of saying ''I miss you''  
I looked at you and you were busy  
So I stayed silent  
I think this is the end  
I have to accept it now_

_____

For weeks, I've been avoiding your calls, not that it's many to avoid from. But still, I avoided it, only replying to some of your messages, because I had to think.

I'm in desperate need to reflect on what I really want. My best friend has been there for me all throughout, and he has been so helpful. He even took the work I left when I needed a break. He made sure I was fine.

And I was, somehow, fine. Until now.

I was at a lost for words when I found you standing outside of the door. And I wasn't even able to say anything when you suddenly hugged me and pushed me back inside.

"I was worried for you. Why were you avoiding my calls?"

My eyes teared up instantly, the stress that's been building inside of me just burst out.

"Hey, don't cry." Seokmin said, and I just cried even more.

_I missed him so fucking much._

"Hey. . . Please stop crying, god. You'll have an asthma attack." He made me sit on the sofa and went to the kitchen to get me a glass of water.

Here he is again, making my heart flutter with all his sweet gestures. But my heart is too broken for him to mend with all of this.

_I'm so tired,_ I wanted to say. _I avoided your calls because I'm fucking tired, Seokmin._

But I just can't bring myself to say it, not when he's smiling at me like I'm his whole fucking world. Not when I can clearly see that bags under his eyes like he's been sleepless for days. Not when he's more tired than I am.

So for now, I just cupped his face, and kissed his forehead.

"I missed you too." Seokmin said so lovingly that it made my heart ache. Because I know this will only last for how long. I know that after this, I'll never be able to see him for months again.

He just cuddled with me on the sofa for a few minutes, talking about his day, and how he's so tired from all their promotional activities, how his hyungs played a prank on him again. I'm just smiling, not really talking much, because what else can I say?

That for weeks, I was absent from work because I was still healing from this relationship? That every night, I cried myself to sleep, craving for his warm hugs? That every single day, I wake up with a heavy heart, not really motivated to do anything except for missing him, and thinking about him, and just loving him from afar?

_"You deserve so much more."_

Do I really? Because I don't even know what constitutes as "much more" anymore. I've always thought that Seokmin is the best I could ever get. That Seokmin is my home. That even though he's always busy, the pain is worth it because atleast I can get this much from him. The once-every-4-months cuddle. The yearly travel. The weekly calls.

At one point it was enough. But now, with his arms around me, with his voice so gentle, and near, and familiar, with his lips kissing mine anytime he wanted, is it really enough? Am I fully okay with this? Does this still feel like _home?_

I felt the darkness in my heart spreading, the hollow feeling I get when he's not around suddenly growing. I looked at his face, and instead of feeling happy and contented, my heart just sank even more.

I closed my eyes, preparing myself for what I wanted to say without regrets, "I'm tired."

_Now, I said it._

I can feel Seokmin's eyes on me when he said worriedly, "It seems so. Do you want to sleep? Okay, we can sleep here for a while and I'll just carry you to your bedroom --- "

He stopped when he finally recognized the look in my eyes.

_Can I really do this? Can I really let him go?_

Is this really the end? 

"I'm tired, Seokmin."

His lips started quivering and his hands are even shaking when he cupped my face, his smile was also a bit unstable, more like a grimace than a smile that goes up to his eyes. He _knows_. "Okay, I understand. You just need to rest. You want me to sing you to sleep? I'll sing anything you like."

He started stuttering and I can't help but cry. His voice is laced with so much pain, an yet, his touch still feels so warm. He's smiling at me while holding back tears, he just makes it harder for me to do this. It's so hard to break his heart when he's hugging me so tightly, like he never wants to let go.

But for the sake of my own heart, I need to do this. For the sake of both of us, I need to let him go.

My best friend is right, love is not always enough.

"Seokmin, just. . . sing 'Like the flowing wind'. . . Sing it for me please." I said while holding him close, not wanting to let go just yet.

_Just for another few hours. . ._

I can feel his tears sliding down on my shoulders, and I can feel him burying his face on my neck. My shirt is soaking with his tears, and I can feel the throbbing in his heart.

I know he understands what I meant by that. And I know that he'll do it, because he's that type of guy. He always understood me. Always. Even at his expense, and I'm so weak for giving up, I know, but I don't think I can do this anymore. He deserves so much more than what I can give him. He deserves someone who can understand his sudden silences. He deserves someone stronger. He deserves someone who will never give up. 

"Okay. . ."

Then he started singing, and that's when I cried even harder than before. Every note, every verse, I can feel his overflowing love. The pain in his voice is evident, but he still kept on going. Even now, he's still thinking about me. Even now when he's also hurting, he's still making sure I get my last wish.

_I'm sorry if I'm weak. . ._

"I really did try my best, Seokmin. I tried so hard. I loved you so much, so much more than everything I know." I whispered, so softly that he might've not even heard it.

He's still singing, and I didn't know if it was because of the softness in his voice, or all the crying that made me dizzy, until I finally fell asleep entangled in his arms, holding on so tightly because this might just be the last hug we'll ever share.

_____

_Like the flowing wind  
I won't be able to catch you  
Through the gap of my five fingers  
You escaped  
Flowing away somewhere far far away_

_____

Seokmin found himself sobbing quietly as he finished the last chorus of the song. You are now asleep in his arms, and he let himself hug you tightly for the last time.

Of course he knew you'd eventually want to leave. That you'd eventually be tired of the situation. And he doesn't blame you for it. He knows it's for the best, and he will never blame you nor resent you for your final choice. You deserve so much more, and Seokmin will always believes that.

Still, that fact doesn't really make him hurt any less.

After a few minutes of hugging you, Seokmin finally carried you to the bed. He noticed how messy the room is, he noticed the little sticky notes you wrote for him, saying how much you missed him, or how much you love him but you really need to let him go, in order for you to continue living happily.

Seokmin stayed for a while. The thought about letting you go forever is so difficult, that he's almost tempted to stay and beg for your forgiveness, for a second chance.

But he knows it can't be, he knows that you'll continue hurting if the both of you stayed.

He cannot let go of his dream, and his heart is breaking because in order for him to keep his dream, he needs to let you go. It breaks him that he can't have the best of both worlds, but life was never really fair.

Seokmin kissed you on the forehead, it's finally time. He needed to leave before he change his mind. He needed to leave before his heart breaks even more.

And he took one last look at your sleeping face, as if memorizing every inch of you for him to remember through the years. You looked so beautiful, and he did not deserve someone as lovely as you.

"Please be happy, even if it's not with me. Just remember that no matter what happens, in any lifetime, I will always love only you."

_____

_And when you woke up the next day, you cried while hugging your sheets, the scent of Seokmin still lingering in your apartment, and never wanting to let them go._

A/N : Fucking hell I actually teared up a bit while writing this LOL. Slight fluff with a whole lot of angst but meh, I'm still working on it hehehe. Love you Seokmin huhu :<


	3. I'll Remember ; jihan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joshua's dying, and he's okay with it. But his best friend isn't, and that's the problem.

_In the passing time_

__

You're fading away now

__

I'm afraid that I'll lose you

__

_Even in my memories_

_____

"Don't you ever just want to live another life? A life more normal than this..."

Joshua looked at Jeonghan, who's playing with his long hair and looking at the setting sun. The latter has this bittersweet smile on his face, as if thinking about something happy yet regrets it all the same. This made Joshua smile too.

"Nah, I'm contented with this life. Aren't you?" Joshua asked.

Jeonghan didn't answer him. Of course, he wouldn't, because Jeonghan might not say it, but Joshua knows how he craves for a normal life. A life where they're free to do whatever they want. A life where there are little to no restrictions. A life they can truly enjoy, away from the hospitals, away from the therapies, away from the brink of death.

Of course, Jeonghan would crave for the life of a normal 22-year old who can freely roam the streets, instead of being confined in a facility where he has to endure countless therapies without even the assurance that he'll _remember_ soon enough, without the assurance that he'll be cured.

And Joshua understands that.

Jeonghan chuckled, "I'm not entirely sure that you mean that. Don't you want to switch lives with someone who doesn't have a brain tumor?"

But the reason why he's contented with this life is that everything that happened led him to Jeonghan as well, and for that, he cannot be more thankful.

Joshua smiled, "Well, if I'm not me, I never would've known you."

And there was a flicker of something in Jeonghan's eyes, that of hope, or fear, or just love, but he said nothing else.

Nothing else is ever worth saying anyway. Because once he wakes up the next day, he will always forget.

_____

_In this slowly fading picture_

__

You're fading away as well

__

It's sad because

__

_Time can't be stopped_

_____

The doctor's words are clear, and Joshua wasn't sure how he really feels.

He only has 3 more months to live.

His parents were crying for him, the nurses are all wishing him the best with tears in their eyes, but Joshua just smiled at them. He couldn't understand why they would choose to cry instead of congratulating him.

He just thought that, finally, the pain will be gone. He's happy. And he knows it's for the best. His parents wouldn't waste more money by having false hope that he'll be cured anymore. They wouldn't even be bothered by him, and will soon move on to greater chapters of their lives. He always knew he was a bother to them. Always saying they're busy and having no time to even visit him except for weekly check-ups. He knows they're having a hard time. And now, they don't have to anymore, in just three months' time.

But then he remembers Jeonghan.

He remembers the days when he cried in his shoulders whenever Joshua finished his treatment. He remembers the horrified look on his face as he witnesses Joshua's hardships. He remembers the hopelessness and regret etched on his best friend's mind.

The news will not only hurt Jeonghan. . . It will kill him.

"What did the doctor say?" Jeonghan asked him when once again, they're watching the sun set in the hospital's rooftop.

There came the painful feeling in his chest, like his heart is being stabbed over and over.

"They said I'm doing well." _They said I only have three months left, yet, I haven't even said I love your smile, and your long hair, and the way you pinch my cheeks and laugh your head off. I haven't even said that you are the most important person in my life._

"That's great!" Jeonghan smiled at him and pushed him jokingly, "While _my_ doctor said my condition is getting worse, that little details won't make up for my memory loss anymore. I need to write in full detail how my days have gone, and my room is just running out of space for sticky notes!"

Joshua laughed because Jeonghan laughed, even though he was worried. Jeonghan never liked to talk seriously about his condition. He never liked the idea that he can always forget who he is, and what just happened to him every single day. He always joked it off, but Joshua knew better.

Joshua knows he's tired of living like this, and that the only reason why he's happy is because of these moments with him. Jeonghan never said anything, but Joshua knew that he had always valued their friendship more than anything else.

That's why it will break him to know that Joshua will soon be gone.

"Then maybe you can. . . I don't know, just don't write about me. That might make your diary entries more brief, since all you ever do is follow me around." Joshua joked.

Jeonghan playfully punched his arm, "Excuse me, I do _not_ follow you around."

They both laughed their heads off.

_Just a few more days. . ._

"And besides. . . I can't _not_ write about you, you know? You're my bestfriend." Jeonghan smiled at him so brightly and full of happiness it feels like his heart is being squeezed in his chest, "I don't want to forget about you."

_But maybe it's for the best._

_____

_Just the fact_

__

That we were together

__

I'll leave it in a deep part

__

_Of a corner of my heart (I'll remember)_

_____

A month has passed, and Joshua is getting weaker and weaker by the day. Still, he made sure that Jeonghan never found out about his dead end. But the time has come, if this goes on for days, Jeonghan will notice it, the time has come for him to do what he needs to do.

He went inside Jeonghan's room. And as soon as he comes inside, the different colors of sticky notes in his walls just stood out.

_'Joshua and I went to the cafeteria together at lunch. The hospital food tastes bland as usual.'_

__

'Joshua likes the color yellow.'

__

'Joshua's room is in the 4th floor, Room 438.'

__

_'You always hang out with Joshua on the rooftop in the afternoon, waiting for the sun to set and for the night to unfold.'_

Joshua felt his tears flowing down his cheeks as he takes out the sticky notes about him one by one, reminiscing the times they had for the past two years. How they always had each other's backs and how they lifted each other up during their hardest times.

Joshua will forever be thankful for everything Jeonghan did. He will forever be grateful for how Jeonghan held his hand tightly while he's in pain, for how Jeonghan always has this bright smile to reassure him even though Joshua knows he's crying every night. He will forever be thankful for the time they spent together, and as long as he lives, he will always remember the memories they had.

_Even though Jeonghan will soon forget._

He opens the drawer beside Jeonghan's bed and took out his journal. He made sure to be as quiet as he can be to not wake the sleeping Jeonghan.

He really is sorry, but he needed to do this.

And as he tears off the pages about him one by one, as he read everything Jeonghan wrote about him, he finds his heart breaking even more, doubting for a second if he's doing the right thing. It was just a heartbreaking moment for him, when all he wants is for Jeonghan to love him the way he loves Jeonghan, and now, the latter won't even remember his name.

But then, Joshua read something he almost wished he never read.

_'This day, you realized how much you don't want to forget about Joshua. This day, you realized how much his smile brings you joy. This day, you realized how much you're looking forward to your daily rooftop trips. This day, you realized how much Joshua can make you happy by just being there for you. This day, you realized how much you don't want him to leave._

__

This day, you realized how much you don't want him to die. This day, you realized how much it will break you to see him leave. And this day, you realized how much you want him to keep fighting, for you, because you don't know if you can take it if he. . . .

__

_This day, this fateful day, you realized that you love him with all your heart.'_

Joshua found himself crying over the torn page. And at that time, he regretted not having a normal life. Because in any lifetime, no matter the circumstances, he knows he will love Jeonghan, and only him. Even if they weren't in a hospital, Joshua is almost certain that he will find Jeonghan wherever he is to continue their love. He wanted to be selfish. For a moment, he wanted to leave a mark, just so Jeonghan will still remember. But he can't. . .

If only life has been good to them, but sadly, reality is always so cruel.

He kissed Jeonghan's forehead before he left the room, leaving as soon as he can before he's tempted to wake Jeonghan up and kiss him senseless, abandoning his plans for his selfish desires.

He just wished for everything to be different. He just wished that he could've said something sooner. He just wished for the love he will never be able to receive and give.

At that night, with the pain in his body matching the pain in his heart, Joshua cried for the life he will soon abandon, and for the love that will never be remembered again.

_____

_Just the fact_

__

That we were in love

__

No matter how much time passes

__

_I'll remember_

_____

Jeonghan woke up with the usual headache, but with a heavy heart, and the thing is, he didn't even know why he feels like crying.

Oh, wait, he _is_ crying. Tears are cascading down his cheeks as he surveys the notes in his room. Has it always been this small? It just felt so empty. He finds his drawer and took out his journal, there were torn pages, and it frustrates Jeonghan that he doesn't have any idea why it was torn.

He went out of his room feeling empty. The facility is vaguely familiar. He guessed it would take him another hour to be fully familiar in the place. He's walking around and he's supposed to focus so that his mind won't drift apart while he's awake.

And yet, no matter how much he tries to focus, he couldn't shake off the feeling that _something's_ wrong. A wave of nostalgia hits him. As if he's done this before, but with _someone else_. Someone who apparently, never appeared on his journal. Someone whom Jeonghan felt just disappeared from his life.

Then, almost immeadiately, nurses from every direction came running to a room close to his. Their faces full of grief, and Jeonghan badly wants to know why.

"Excuse me, but what is all the fuss about?" Jeonghan asked the nurses in the counter.

"You're Jeonghan right? The amnesiac?" The nurses asked and he nodded, "Well, the boy who's been suffering with brain tumor was in a critical condition, and now, his body gave up."

Jeonghan can feel his heart beating so fast, and he just froze at the nurse's statement. And it frustrates him _because he just doesn't know why! Why would he feel this way towards someone he don't even remember?_

"M-May I know his name?" Jeonghan's lips is quivering as he speaks, his hands shaking as he holds on to his arms tightly.

"Joshua Hong."

Tears formed in Jeonghan's eyes, he collapsed on his knees and a cry escaped from his mouth. The name is not familiar to Jeonghan, but god, _why does it hurt this much?_

He's just sitting there, ignoring the remarks of the nurses, and just crying his heart out, mourning for someone he doesn't even know.

The unfamiliarity of the name Joshua Hong brought even more thorns in his heart and confusion in his mind. . . And the thing is, even though he didn't know the person, he felt like his heart dies with him.

_____

_The mind may forget but the heart always remembers._

_____


	4. Congratulations ; jihan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joshua's tired of being a rebound and he just wants to start anew, but a heart full of resentment can't stop him from giving Jeonghan his wish for a serious talk, when the said heart is also still full of love.

_P R E S E N T_

Joshua found himself running to the nearest shed as the rain started pouring. He didn't even bring an umbrella to work because he didn't expect that he would be soaked wet. And why would he, it didn't even say in the news that there are chances of rain.

_But then again, unexpected things do happen. All. the. fucking. time._

"I guess I need to call Grab." Joshua muttered to himself as he fiddled with his phone.

But then, just as he was about to call for a driver, Joshua heard a voice calling him. 

"Joshua?"

He looked across the street and his heart almost stopped beating when he saw him. 

It's Jeonghan. He was there, standing near his car, holding an umbrella, and is now making way to the shed where Joshua is. 

Joshua froze on the spot and couldn't think straight. His mind is telling him to leave but his body can't even function properly in shock, not until Jeonghan is standing in front of him. Joshua hasn't seen him for _months_ , and he's still not ready to see him again.

He stood up and could've walked away, but Jeonghan held his wrist, preventing him from saving his fragile heart. _As always._

"Josh, come on, it's raining. Just come with me, you're soaking wet." Jeonghan said. 

Joshua faced him with a pained expression, "I don't fucking care if it's raining, I'll hail a fucking cab and not run off to the rain if that's what you're worried about. So please, just leave me alone, Jeonghan, we've talked about this."

They've talked about this, and Joshua made it perfectly clear that he doesn't want to see him for a while. 

Jeonghan's grip in his wrist loosened, but it's _still_ there. And Joshua might be frustrated, but that doesn't mean that Jeonghan's touch doesn't send electricity running down his spine. Not when he's been in love with him for half of his life. Not when he knows how much in love he still _is._

Jeonghan looked troubled, "I know," he said calmly, "but it's been 4 months, Josh. We didn't even talk that much the last time. We need to talk again and handle this maturely."

An ugly laugh escaped from Joshua's mouth, mocking and sarcastic, "Oh, so _I'm_ not mature last time? _You're_ the one not helping me move on by always calling me, and checking up on me, as if I can't do this by myself." 

Jeonghan took a deep breath, pain clearly evident on his face, and Joshua wanted to laugh. Now _he's_ the bad guy. _He's_ the one who can't understand.

"Please. I may be the guy who broke your heart, but I'm still your bestfriend. And I hate seeing you like this. Just please, let me talk to you. Please." Jeonghan said calmly.

Joshua looked at him with narrowed eyes.

"Please."

Joshua sighed. As much as he didn't want to do it, he couldn't resist Jeonghan. And it frustrates him that he can't even deny how inexplicably in love he is with the other boy. It pains him that whatever Jeonghan does to him, he's still gonna say yes. That no matter how hurt he is, in the end, he still just can't resist him.

"Fine."

_This day is not an exception. He'll still do anything for him._

But it's been 4 months. Joshua should've moved on from now. He doesn't want Jeonghan to contemplate on how pathetic he is, no. For his pride, he'll just get this done with, and then resume to his old life. Maybe this is also all he needs to finally move on.

Maybe.

_____

_P A S T_

Joshua stood in front of him, in shock from what just happened. 

Yoon Jeonghan kissed him. Yoon Jeonghan -- his best friend since high school, his first love, and the boy he's been in love with since then. The boy he always wanted to kiss but couldn't, because there are just too many of them lined up for him.

He's just Joshua Hong, he's not anything special, so why would Yoon Jeonghan even think about dating him? When there's guys like Choi Seungcheol, a more popular, more handsome kid, who can give him what he wants?

But then again, all these guys do is break his best friend's heart. And Joshua Hong is tired of that.

He's tired of seeing his bestfriend cry.

"I. . ." Jeonghan trailed off, biting his lips, nervously looking at Joshua as if urging him to say something.

But Joshua couldn't say anything. Instead, he leaned closer again, captivated by Jeonghan's lips and addicted to the feeling of softness he had just a while ago. 

He kissed him again. 

And again. 

And again. 

_And again._

God this is so good, why didn't he ever kissed Jeonghan before? _Fuck._

Joshua's mind is not functioning properly, and all he could ever think about is how soft Jeonghan's lips is in his.

_____

_P R E S E N T_

They were both silent in the whole drive to Jeonghan's apartment, and he only ever said something when they were in his place.

"Here, change clothes first," Jeonghan threw him a spare shirt, "you're dripping wet."

Joshua just took his shirt without any comment, and as he stood up to go to the bathroom, Jeonghan said, "Dude, you know you can just change here right? It's just a shirt."

Joshua was flustered. Of course. They used to do it all the time, why is undressing in front of Jeonghan such a big deal?

He tried to keep his cool as he changed clothes but he felt his face flush as he met Jeonghan's eyes.

_He's still so fucking affected. He's still so fucking in love._

"What do you want to talk about?" Joshua asked calmly.

Jeonghan sighed, as if it's tiring for him too, "About what happened. . ."

Joshua laughed dryly, Jeonghan couldn't even say what really happened. He's still _ashamed._

"Again? For what? For you to blatantly say to my face that I'm just a fling the second time around?"

Jeonghan groaned, "There you go again, putting words in my mouth. Will you please just let me explain?"

Not a minute in their conversation and Joshua's already shaking, whether it's from anger, or fear, or nervousness, or a mix of three, he's not sure.

He just knows that he's not sure if he's ready for this talk. He's not sure if he's ever gonna be ready for this talk again.

"I. . ." Jeonghan tried to say something, "I really thought I made it clear that it's a one time thing, Shua, I'm sorry."

Joshua laughed again, this time, even more obnoxious than the last, "Oh, I'm pretty sure we both knew it's not _just_ a one time thing."

He glowered at Jeonghan. And for a second there, he wanted to cry.

Did Jeonghan really not remember the times when he begged Joshua to kiss him? Did he really not remember the times when they were cuddling in the bed together, stealing soft kisses from each other? Did he really not remember the times when Jeonghan pulled him into a corner and kissed him harder than he ever did before, just because he was jealous of a workmate?

_Fuck him. Fuck._

From then 'til now, Jeonghan really knows how to make him feel worthless.

Jeonghan ran his hand through his hair, "Josh, please, look, I'm really really sorry." His eyes are pleading for Joshua to see reason, but he just _can't_ understand.

"I'm sorry if I gave you mixed signals. It's entirely my fault okay? I. . . I was weak, and fragile, and out of my mind at the time. I'm sorry if I gave in."

Joshua's tears escaped from his eyes. He thought the situation couldn't be any worse, but what Jeonghan said definitely took the cake.

" _Fuck you_ , Yoon Jeonghan. Now you're justifying your decisions by saying that you're out of your mind, as if it was my fault and that I took advantage of you? Fuck you."

Joshua felt indignant, he's not the one who started it. He's not the one who asked for anything! He just willingly gives! He just willingly gave his love! And now it's his fucking fault?

He felt so foolish. _So foolish_. He shouldn't have let the idea get to his head. He shouldn't have been scared to ask what they really are then. He shouldn't have settled for anything less. Joshua doesn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve this at all, and he regrets that he only just realized it now. Maybe if he realized it earlier, they would've been free of the pain. He wouldn't have to suffer like this.

Joshua's mind is a mess, while Jeonghan's hands are shaking as he reached out for Joshua's, "No! _No_ , fuck, Joshua, that's not what I meant. . . Please. . ." There's desperation in his voice, but Joshua wouldn't have any of it. He deserves better.

_He wouldn't give in._

But now he's crying. And Joshua can feel his heart softening. Again. _Fuck this._

He hated seeing Jeonghan cry.

Joshua grew up with Jeonghan by his side, and God knows how much the latter cried because of his own problems. And Joshua was always there to comfort him, the one who always made him smile.

But now he's the reason why he's crying. And it's breaking him. . . And yet, he _just_ can't comfort him the way he wants to. Not when his heart still feels so heavy from all the worthlessness and hopelessness he felt when Jeonghan led him on and then left him in the sidelines. _Jeonghan_ , his bestfriend, his first love, his everything. 

_Jeonghan's hurting too_ , Joshua tried to tell himself. Jeonghan is hurting too because he lost his bestfriend, but Joshua's hurting so much that it scares him. It scares him how Jeonghan can make him feel this way, that he might be the only one who'll _ever_ make him feel this way.

It scares him that even though he's hurting so much, Jeonghan will still always come first.

Joshua took a deep breath and sat down again, "Then tell me what you meant." he said in almost a whisper.

He might be hurt, but he's also tired of being hurt. It's tiring him and he just wants all of this to be over.

"Please don't cry, and just talk again. Please." Joshua sounds almost as if he's pained, while he's wiping Jeonghan's tears.

And with every touch, Joshua can feel the warmth of Jeonghan sending shivers down his spine. He shouldn't be doing this anymore, he should be protecting himself but he just can't help it.

"Y-You were just so. . . _perfect_ , Josh." Jeonghan said, almost like a whisper, "So perfect. You're caring, always there to help me through my mess, always so loving. How can I not be attracted? How can I not. . . And you were in love with me. I felt it in our kiss. And I just thought, how can I be so stupid to not see it? All those times you cared for me more than you should kept flooding my mind. At that time, I was thinking, I should've fell for you instead of Cheol. Why didn't I fell for you? _You_ were in love with someone like _me_. How can I. . . _How can I not kiss you again?_ "

_I still am inlove with you. Pathetically._

"And?" Joshua urged him as Jeonghan wiped his tears.

"I was so desperate for love at the time, and I thought you understood that. And I thought that after some time, I'll just fall in love with you naturally, because why not? You're Joshua Hong. One of the best person I know."

Joshua smiled sadly as he thought of the past, as he finally, _finally_ , starts to understand.

"But he came back. . ."

And Jeonghan mirrored the same sad smile, "But he came back."

_____

_P A S T_

"Han."

Joshua gripped Jeonghan's wrist so tightly, as if he'll slip away if he's not holding on tightly enough. He led them both to the door of his apartment, desperately trying to escape Seungcheol.

And before Seungcheol can reach them, Joshua led Jeonghan inside and closed the door.

"Please, Han, let's talk. . . Please. . . I love you." Seungcheol knocked on the door, screaming Jeonghan's name, begging for a chance to make things right.

Joshua sighed and looked at Jeonghan whom harbors a familiar expression in his face. And he was suddenly scared.

Jeonghan's face is full of _hope_.

Joshua's heart sank.

"Jeonghan, you. . ." Joshua wanted to ask if he's seriously considering coming back to Seungcheol, but he's terrified of the answer so he just sighed again, "you're tired. Go to sleep, I'll handle this."

But as Joshua was about to open the door to talk to Seungcheol, Jeonghan held his wrist.

"Shua. . ."

His expression is telling something that Joshua cannot bear to accept. It's painful. And scary. It just terrified him in the worst ways possible

_And it's breaking him to pieces._

"Let me talk to Seungcheol. I'll tell him you no longer want to talk to him, that he should give up and ---"

But Joshua couldn't continue because he lets out a sob, almost sounding like a whimper, a cry for help.

Joshua's crying now, and Jeonghan is as white as sheet.

 _"Fuck this."_ Joshua muttered to himself and sat on the couch, trying to wipe his tears and calm himself.

"Is that it, Jeonghan?" Joshua managed to ask the frozen Jeonghan with deep breaths, "It's that easy for him to win you back, while all my life, I pinned over you like a fool. It's that easy for you to choose him. . . What about me? I love you, more than you know. More than how he said he loves you. For years, Jeonghan. I loved you, and I _still_ do. And I thought you felt the same. . . That you're finally feeling the same. . ."

Jeonghan must think that he's a fool. Jeonghan must think that he's pathetic to cry over this.

Of course, he'll choose Seungcheol. It's Seungcheol, the guy Jeonghan cried over for a month, and he's just Joshua, the guy who kissed him as he cried for another man.

"Shua. . ." Jeonghan looked torn, but for a reason, Joshua knew who he was going to choose before he even spoke, "You're my bestfriend. . . But, I love him. . . I love him, Shua."

Joshua didn't say anything anymore. He just let Jeonghan open the door. He just let Jeonghan _go_.

_Even if he wanted to ask if, even once, Jeonghan ever loved him even for just a little, if he ever had a chance._

But like the old times, he's scared of the answer. He's always scared. _Always_.

_____

_P R E S E N T_

"I was so angry with myself, Shua. I was so mad because even if I wanted to love you more than how I love Seungcheol, I just can't. I didn't love you like that, and I can't keep lying to myself. That would break us both. It would break Cheol too."

Joshua thought his heart couldn't break anymore after everything, but after Jeonghan explained everything, it broke into even smaller pieces, if that's even possible.

But still, he smiled.

"Okay. I understand. I'm sorry too, if I resented you. You just fell in love." _You just fell in love with someone who's not me._

Jeonghan gave him a pained look, "But I was selfish. . . I'm really sorry Joshua. I. . . I'm really really sorry. I was an asshole, a dickhead, a good-for-nothing bastard."

"Hell yeah you are."

They both laughed at Joshua's sarcasm, and Joshua suddenly found himself missing their moments together. Not the romantic ones, no, but the times when they were just bestfriends. Those fun times when they just fooled around but supported each other at the same time.

And as he looked at Jeonghan's smiling face, he just felt. . . at peace.

He was angry for a long time. Maybe because the idea that his own bestfriend chose someone else pained him, especially when he has inveested so much.

He felt entitled. And love shouldn't be like that.

"Are you happy with him?"

_Maybe if he was a little bit braver then. When Jeonghan only had him. . ._

"What?"

Joshua tried to look at Jeonghan's eyes, no matter how painful, "Are you happy, with Seungcheol, are you happy?"

Joshua can see the hesitation in Jeonghan's eyes, as if he's still trying to be considerate of his best friend's feelings, but Joshua smiled at him assuringly. And it's more than enough confirmation for Jeonghan that it's okay to say it.

And besides, Joshua can see it in his eyes.

"Yes." Jeonghan replied with so much love that Joshua felt pained and happy at the same time.

As long as he's happy, he'll try to be happy too.

"Congratulations." Joshua smiled, "I'm happy for the both of you."

_One step at a time._

"I'm sorry, Jeonghan, I mean it." Joshua added, "And I really want us to be back from being best friends. Because even if you are an asshole, I still love you."

Joshua said it as a joke but Jeonghan knew it's real. 

"Of course, idiot, why do you think I pushed you to talk to me?"

The night ended with both of them catching up with what happened in their lives. And Joshua might still feel his heart beating and breaking every once in a while, he just focused on being a good friend.

He'll be able to move on, especially now that he's done with resenting, with the anger, with the insecurities. He knows that healing is just around the corner for him.

He'll be able to heal.

_Someday._


	5. Hurt Road ; soonhoon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jihoon works hard with an empty heart, and one night, he suddenly comes face to face with the one who drained it with everything he has.

It's already 2 am; the lights in Jihoon's studio started to look dim in his eyes after spending so many hours in it. His eyes are hurting so much, his head aches, and his heart is throbbing from all the coffee he drank. Still, he can't afford to be tired.

He still needs to finish his song. 

But as Jihoon was about to stand up to get another cup of coffee, he felt his knees getting wobbly, and he fell - embarassingly - to the floor.

_"Fuck."_

Just as he was about to stand up, the door in his studio opened.

"Jihoon?"

It's Seungcheol, his roommate. And he just caught Jihoon almost kissing the floor. If this was any other time, he would be laughing at Jihoon's clumsiness, cracking up even, because of it. But Jihoon was rarely clumsy, and Seungcheol knows it's because of tiredness and not clumsiness, so instead of laughing, he came over hurriedly and looked rather worried, "Are you okay?" Seungcheol asked, his arms outstretched to help him get up.

Jihoon just nodded and took Seungcheol's hand. If this was any other day, he wouldn't bother taking Seungcheol's help. He knows he can stand on his own, and it has always been like that. But right now, he doesn't have the energy nor the will to do that, his mind is drained, his heart is empty, and his body is exhausted. He might not say it loudly, but _yes_ , right now, he needs all the help he can get.

"Seriously, Jihoon, you should rest." Seungcheol said and sat on one of the chairs in Jihoon's studio. "Maybe get some dinner, late dinner, I know you haven't eaten since lunch."

Jihoon sighed, it's a terrific idea because he's awfully hungry, but he still has responsibilities. _He still needs to finish his song_ "I can't, Seungcheol, I still have a lot to do. You know that."

"That you can't even rest for a while?" 

Jihoon didn't answer.

"Your work's really important to you, huh." Seungcheol sighed, "Even when. . ."

"Even when?"

This caught Jihoon's attention. Is he talking about what happened? Surely Seungcheol isn't dumb enough to even think that Jihoon's still hurt after all these years?

"Even when, Seungcheol?"

Suddenly, he remembered. _Again._ Those nights of kisses, of cuddles, of joy --- those nights of love replaced by nights of tears and resentment.

Jihoon felt sick in his stomach. He doesn't like remembering those things, he doesn't like feeling the hurt build up again in his chest. That's why he liked working hard 'til he collapse, he preferred it like this - with his head empty and no thoughts, he will never have to feel those things again.

"As long as I'm working, I'm okay." Jihoon said firmly.

Seungcheol looked at him rather questioningly, but just shook his head, "Just go. Eat at the fastfood branch near our apartment, or I swear to god, I'll trash your studio. Please Jihoon, take care of yourself, you're frustrating the shit out of me."

Jihoon's used to Seungcheol's nagging, but this time, he really needed that push. Maybe he really needs to eat. His mind is swirling and notes are being replaced by buried memories he really doesn't want to remember anymore.

_____

Jihoon wasn't even aware that it's raining, only when he got outside.

He sighed, he really hates the rain. So many things happened when it's raining that Jihoon would much rather forget.

_Including meeting him, and just everything that happened then._

When he reached the fastfood chain, he went to the counter and ordered his food while looking for the wallet in his pocket.

"What's your order, sir?"

"Chicken with---"

He stopped dead in his tracks.

_"Ji ~ let's get chicken tonight ~"_

_"We've had chicken for lunch!"_

_"Please?"_

"Sir?"

Jihoon just chuckled as the memory washed over him, "I'm sorry, forget that, I remembered I don't eat chicken anymore---"

"Why?" A voice behind him asked.

Jihoon's heart started to beat faster. That voice. . . That sweet voice laced with mischief is just familiar. Too familiar, actually, because that voice is the sound that still haunts Jihoon in his sleep. That voice is the reason why he'd much rather sleep with loud-ass music banging in his ears, because it somehow _drowns_ out Jihoon's thoughts.  
_Maybe it isn't him. . . Maybe it's just a similar voice,_ Jihoon thought, almost pathetically.

But then, when he looked back, he was welcomed with the familiar face with the same familiar voice.

No, not just a familiar one. . . A face that always pops in his mind, and he's displaying the same smile still etched in Jihoon's brain. The same smile that visits him in his dreams still to this day.

"Hi Jihoon." Soonyoung said and even waved a little.

_"Jihoonie ~ I miss you ~"_

_"We're literally together just an hour ago, Soon."_

_"I always want to be near you though. . ."_

_"Idiot."_

Jihoon's mind is in haywire, he can't say anything while looking at Soonyoung's face that he just turned around, faced the cashier, and said "Just. . . a fish fillet and a cola."

And then he immediately left the counter to sit on one of the tables.

Jihoon took a deep breath.

_It's okay. Calm down. It's been three years, Jihoon. You've moved on. You're okay now._

He repeated the same phrase in his head over and over again to calm himself down. He felt light-headed all of a sudden, as if he can't think straight. Soonyoung always had this effect on him, and it seems like he still has it. 

But years of practice, Jihoon believes, _must have_ worked on him even for just a little bit. He has readied himself. Knowing Soonyoung, he will not let this oppurtunity pass to talk to Jihoon again.

And Jihoon was right.

"So."

Jihoon looked up and saw Soonyoung sporting the same small smile from before. 

It made his heart constrict.

But still, he smiled. _He needs to._

"Soonyoung." he said, because he can't seem to say anything aside from his name.

Soonyoung took this as an invitation and sat across him.

"How. . . How are you?"

Jihoon smiled even wider it hurts his jaw, "I'm good --- great, actually!" He's even scared for a moment that it might come out as fake. He needs for his smile to be as real as possible. He can't possibly let Soonyoung think he's still not over it yet.

Soonyoung nodded, "Good for you."

"You?"

"Uh. . . I'm also well, I guess?"

And the conversation died.

The awkwardness between them was building up, but then again, Jihoon expected this. It's not that hard to predict the atmosphere. They're exes, and they ended on bad terms, of course it will be awkward. But Jihoon wanted to prove himself so much.

That even if he was cheated on, he's still okay. He's still stable. _He needs to prove that he doesn't need Soonyoung in his life._ That he can go on without his constant good morning and good night. That he can go on without his constant nagging. That he can go on without his stupid smile. Just like before.

He was just so thankful that their food finally came so that he can focus more on eating and have a valid reason not to look and talk to Soonyoung anymore.

And that's when he remembered ---

"Oh my god! I didn't pay. . . Fuck. . ." Jihoon runmaged through his pockets.

"No need, Ji, I already paid for it when you ran off."

_Ji._

Jihoon felt chills after hearing that nickname again, but he still tried to compose himself even though he's very much embarassed.

"I'll pay you later." Jihoon just stated and then proceeded to eat.

"But-" 

"No buts." Jihoon said with finality. _He doesn't need Soonyoung's help._ He refuses to receive any kind of help from him.

He heard Soonyoung laugh, but it was a different kind of laugh from what he was used to. No, this laugh is rough, and obnoxious, not the lighthearted one that used to send butterflies in Jihoon's stomach. 

"You haven't changed at all, Jihoon. You still have problems with your pride."

Jihoon stopped eating.

_What did he say?_

"What do you mean?"

Soonyoung looked amused as Jihoon glared at him, "That even from before, you still don't want me to pay for your meals."

Jihoon stayed quiet for a minute. He needed to calm himself. They were on bad terms three years ago, he gets annoyed rather quickly, but he needs to prove that he's okay.

He doesn't want to be the first one to burst. And he hates it that Soonyoung looks so calm and relaxed, as if seeing him did not bother him at all.

Because Jihoon _is_ bothered, he will always be.

"That's because I can take care of myself." Jihoon answered shortly.

He thought Soonyoung would drop the topic, but as expected, he just can't take the hint. Just like from before.

"Yeah?" Soonyoung asked, almost as if he's mocking Jihoon, "You sure you just don't want people to know that you need help because it embarrasses you?"

Jihoon almost choked. _What is wrong with him?_

His headache came back, and all he ever wants is to return to his studio and make music again, because this conversation? It's draining him.

It's so draining.

So instead of clapping back, he finished his meal quickly and looked for money in his pocket. He then placed it on the table on stood up, "I'm sorry, I need to go."

This is a mistake, he shouldn't have come out ---

"Running away again, it seems."

_He said it with so much resentment._

And that was the last straw for Jihoon. He just can't take this anymore. What right does Soonyoung have to be angry at him?

Last time he checked, Soonyoung was the one who gave up. _He_ was the one who cheated on him. Jihoon's just the one who left.

Jihoon sat down again, and glared at Soonyoung, "If you have something to say to me, say it directly, to my face." He said angrily, keeping his voice down so that no one in the place will hear them.

Soonyoung smirked, but his face is now hollow; devoid of emotion. The small smile with a ray of hope, gone.

"I just did, didn't I? I pointed out how you always resort to running away from things instead of dealing with them. Like in our relationship, you ran away without saying a thing. You're a coward, Lee Jihoon."

This blew Jihoon's fuse. He know he should walk away instead of engaging into a conversation full of pent-up anger, but he just can't. He should be better than this, but with all the resentment and anger and pain that lies in his heart, he cannot bear to stay silent.

He has so many things left unsaid. And if he doesn't say it right now, the nightmares will never stop. _Jihoon just wants to be free._

"First and foremost, _fuck you_ Kwon Soonyoung, I am not a coward. Second, shut the fuck up because you don't know a thing about me." Jihoon took a deep breath, "Stop acting as if it's my fault for leaving. You cheated remember?"

"And I said I was sorry! I was drunk, and it wasn't my intention. . . I was so fucking guilty, Ji, and that's why I told you!"

"And you think a simple sorry would change everything?" Jihoon let out a dry laugh.

His heart is hurting so much, and he was reminded of those days when he was still healing. The days when his heart hurt so much that he can't talk nor speak properly.

Now, it's as if he can't stop speaking, the feeling of betrayal he has been keeping for so long finally backfired.

He can't stop himself and all the emotions are overwhelming him. 

_Jihoon just wants for the pain to stop._

"I know, I fucked up Ji." Soonyoung closed his eyes and Jihoon remembered that he used to do this before, whenever he's nervous or scared to say something. "But I tried. . . I regretted it. . ."

"That night, I took the risk. Even though I know you might get angry and lash out, I still told you because you deserved to know. I begged you to forgive me, to come back. . . But you never did. I expected you to get angry, and you know what? If you did, maybe I'll feel a bit relieved. But you also never did. Instead, you just looked at me with no emotions in your eyes, and said that it's over. You said it so easily, while I was there in my knees, bawling my eyes out. I thought you weren't affected at all, that you weren't hurt. And I was hurt by that. . . I thought you didn't care for me at all. . . That you never really loved me enough that's why it's so easy for you to say we're over."

Jihoon shook his head, the memories overwhelming him that he felt he's about to pass out. _Easy?_ "You killed me, Soonyoung."

_There didn't come a day when it was easy._

Soonyoung looked shocked by what he heard, "W-What?"

Jihoon let a tear escape his eyes. "I had to deal with so many things after I left." He took a deep breath again and sat comfortably in his chair, "You know that I'm not used to expressing what I feel, you know how hard it is for me to open up. And yet. . ." Jihoon ruffled his hair, "Do you know what was running through my head?"

And then he remembered. Again. He remembered thinking constantly about the reason.

_Am I not enough?_

_Is this my fault?_

_Have I not loved him the right way?_

"I thought, maybe, he realized I'm not deserving of his love after all. I kept questioning my worth, asking myself the same questions over and over again. All of these questions were running endlessly in my head that I hated myself so much --- haven't slept for days, cried myself to sleep every night, busying myself with work so my friends won't see how much of a wreck I still am." Jihoon's voice cracked, "And it's been 3 years. I shouldn't be crying myself to sleep anymore, I shouldn't have nightmares, I shouldn't be hating myself. But I still do."

Jihoon can't keep his tears now, and the employees and other customers are staring at them, probably curious because of the atmosphere and their faces but he couldn't care less.

He remembered. _Again._

Jihoon just wants to stop.

The times when he went to see a therapist because he can't work and sleep normally. The times when he felt so worthless he almost killed himself. The times when his very own self-esteem was so low that he can't do music properly anymore.

Music --- the only constant thing in his life.

But it changed without Jihoon noticing it. Suddenly, that constant thing became Soonyoung. And it was so hard to accept that that constant thing is gone.

"Then why didn't you tell me?"

Jihoon was confused, and Soonyoung was staring at him, his eyes full of tears too.

"I. . . You should've just told me you were hurt. . ." Soonyoung can't seem to think of what to say.

Jihoon smiled despite the tears, "Isn't it fucking obvious? Soonyoung we were together for years! Do you really think I cared that less about you? You know I don't like wasting my time. And if I didn't love you, I wouldn't have stayed for years. . . You know that. . ."

But Soonyoung shook his head, "No, I don't." There is a small smile in his face, "I didn't know, Ji. Because every time I show you affection, you push me away. I. . . got tired of the little things. I believed then, that deep inside, you really love me with all your heart. But there came a time when it wasn't enough anymore. Because, Ji," Soonyoung wiped his tears, "you shouldn't have to venture deep inside to get to love."

And that's when Jihoon remembers. All his short-comings. When he refused Soonyoung's affections because he was uncomfortable. When he was embarrassed to show his feelings because he's not used to it. 

_Jihoon never gave him the assurance he needs._

"And that led you to cheat?" Jihoon asked, still rather bitter.

Soonyoung shook his head, "I genuinely did not want for that to happen. But I was hurt when. . . you seemed like you didn't care about me. It hurts so much to even think that it's so easy for you. . ." He trailed off. 

Jihoon smiled, "I thought that by embracing the pain, it would hurt more. That's why I just turned off the switch for my emotions. . . But I guess the therapy worked on me, because I can now tell you these things. And I'm sorry if I didn't express myself well then."

_But you should've known that I loved you more than anything._

Jihoon still chose Soonyoung, and it hurts to think that it wasn't enough. 

Soonyoung nodded, still processing what Jihoon said, "I'm really sorry too, Ji. . . I never meant for it to happen."

"None of us do."

And then they were silent again.

It was 4 am and the fastfood chain is becoming more and more occupied as the time goes by. But still, here they are, two men, sharing unsaid feelings for the first time.

"I guess I need to go back now. . ." Soonyoung's voice cracked a bit.

Jihoon stood up after hearing that, "I guess this is goodbye."

"Thank you for. . . for saying those things. I needed that."

Jihoon just nodded, his heart getting heavier by the second.

He was about to walk away when he heard Soonyoung say almost like a whisper, "I really loved you, Jihoon. I loved you so much, and I still do."

And he froze for a second, debating with himself whether he'll respond or just leave and pretend he didn't hear anything.

But he just smiled to himself before finally walking away.

Jihoon just wanted to be happy by himself, and revisiting old wounds might open it up again.

He still loves Soonyoung more than anything, and that's the problem, the ultimate reason why he wants to let go and move forward. He deserves more. He deserves a person who will never give up on him. He deserves a person who will love him wholeheartedly while he does the same thing.

And, before that, he needs to work on himself. He needs to try to be better, too. He wants to love himself more, because that's the most important thing.

And he's slowly doing it --- with friends constantly there for him, a stable career, a healthy lifestyle.

And now that he got the closure he never knew he needed, finally said the things in his heart that has been keeping it heavier for so long, he's finally ready to move on.

He even had an idea about the title of his latest song.

_One step at a time._

**Author's Note:**

> https://twitter.com/joshijeon - follow me on my twitter account <3


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